Sunday, December 19, 2010

Scarred for Life

Tonight I had this conversation with my oldest son.

Austin: Mom, Dad wants to know if we can use your camera for Scouts tonight. We are learning, Photography.

Me: " Will it come back home?" I am quickly thinking of ways to keep my camera home & safe. "I don't know...there are pictures of me on the camera that are only meant for your Dad." (I know! Yes! I said this out loud! As soon as the words left my mouth, I wanted to wring my own neck!) "I probably should not have said that in front of you. I don't want to scar you for life?!"

Austin: Shaking his head as he keeps texting and he replies, "Don't worry. You have already scarred me for life, several times. I am use to it now."

Me: With sarcasm in my voice, "Thank you Son. That really helps calm my nerves."

Austin: He hugs me goodbye and says, with the same amount of sarcasm, "Mom... I do what I can.."

I tell you, this parenting gig is harder than it looks. It is like sports. I love playing them, but it doesn't mean that I am any good at them. It is sad but true, nobody but Goodlookin wants me on their team. I can't say I blame them. Heck, I don't even want to be on my own team. Now in a game, you can walk away from a bad game. Parenting? No you can't leave. You wouldn't want to. Well...most days you wouldn't want to. Not all of us are blessed to be athletes or maybe parent other humans. All my plants are fake for a reason. Goodlookin took pity on all the house plants I was killing and just softly nudged me toward the fake flower & plant isle.

After Goodlookin came home and all the kids were in bed, I told him what I said to Austin. (Which, I was referring to the pictures my five year old took of he & I after I got home from the hospital. I really did not want those pictures out. You can't erase eyeballs! I don't even look human in those pictures.) Goodlookin' didn't even blink as I explained my situation. He just laughed and said, "He is a funny kid! Don't worry our kids are use to it." Funny, that did not make me feel better.

If our kids turn out somewhat normal, it will be because of Goodlookin. I am more of a freelancer in this parenting thing. Luckily, Goodlookin' keeps us all grounded and glued together. However, let the record show, I picked out their Dad for them. That should say one good thing about my parenting morals. Atleast I wanted them with one sain adult!

I never thought I would say this, but I have never been so happy that I won't be attending my own funeral. I don't want to know what they will say about me. "Well, you know Mom, she just couldn't keep her mouth shut." Which is true, but still I don't want to hear it. I will end with this statement that I thought I would never say to myself, "Thank Heavens my mind is going first!"

Please don't leave parenting tips. I have many books, but they don't work.
It was like those organizing books, I borrowed from the library,that I ended up paying for a year ago. I was so disorganized, I lost them.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

High HO High HO Enquiringminds want to know

(If you leave a comment and say who you are like and why, I will find a pic and Post it on my next post. Have fun with it. Pick up to six. I do have other silly things to do like laundry, dishes, etc.)
M-I-C see ya real soon! K-E-Y why? because we like you! M-O-U-S-EEE!

Ok, so at Disneyland there's is a place called "Belle's Library" Well, Actually it is in California Adventure in ANIMATIONS! If you go into Belle's Library there are places to sit down and the touch screen in front of you will ask you questions about your personality. I thought for sure I was going to be Ursula, but Austin was right. The Computer dubbed me as Tinkerbell, because I am a hot tempered girl, but will do anything for the boy she loves. Derek answered all the questions the opposite of how he is and he was dubbed HOPPER from Bug's Life! Derek likes to shake things up a bit every now and then.

So here is my first question for all of you: Which 3 (good or mostly good) Disney Character do you relate too? Are you Mushou, Mulan's sidekick who is always messing up, but his hear is in the right place? Is there one of the Seven dwarfs you relate too? DO you ever feel like the blow fish in Finding Nemo? Or are you a Will Turner a self made Pirate? Perhaps you are Captain Jack Sparrow himself or are you Goofy?

Second question, who is your alter ego? Which 3 Villains do you most relate with and love to hate?

Here is mine:

Disney Gals I relate too:

Tinkerbell. When she looks at herself and measures her hips, she's not mad at herself. She is mad at the mirror. One time my scale did not show me what I wanted to see so I put it in the tub after my kids were getting out and the tub was still full of water. That Scale never went over 100lbs again. I thought it was funny when it said I weighed 47 lbs, I felt like "I showed you!" But as Feisty and as bad tempered as she is, in the end she wants to help those she loves.

Dori, from Finding Nemo. When I go downstairs for something, I completely forget and I have to ask someone what I was looking for. I will be talking to someone and then all of a sudden I am thinking, "What are we talking about again?" Yes, I remember some things well, but I don't know how to utilize that part of my brain very well and most of the time I have short term memory loss.

Jane, from Tarzan. I remember watching that movie for the first time and I thought Tarzan looked like Derek. You know blue inset eyes, distinguished nose. (the hair, thankfully not so much.) Derek is adventurous and I am a chicken, but I feel braver when Derek is there holding my hand or when I wrap my arms around him. Yes, when us city girls fall for our small town boys, we will give up our city living, Yellow dresses and parasole (or in my case High Heeled shoes) to swing through this Jungle we call life, hanging on to our MAN!. (Oh and Heidi and Matt, I still remember those "Halloween Costumes" you made for Derek and I, for our birthdays. Too Funny!)

Alter Ego's

The Queen of Hearts, she is funny. She has one way to take care of everything, "Off with your head!" It just seems to be efficient because everybody does whatever she wants them to do and I think this shows organization and management skills I want. I just have a whistle! I love her heart printed bloomers, too cute! And the way she stomps off when she is angry. You know that back when she went to "Deck High" School, she was the only girl on the football field and must have been one heck of a Linebacker. She is not afraid to really get down to business, when she pushes up her sleeves to play Croquet. Yep, that's the girl I want on my team.

Ursula. You gotta love her! She's a plus-size chic who is embracing her wider curves. She is all about CURVACEOUS!! She even has the guts to wear that tight Black cat-octopus outfit. Don't be fooled she is wearing a girdle under there. You can tell because of the fat rolls on her back. But with Purple skin, you have to admit, it kind of works. Her swim is a strut! When she gets Angry she grows into this massive form of herself and that is just how I feel when I have lost it! Like when I've told each of my kids 10 times not to leave their shoes and socks on the floor of the living room and go and put them in your shoe basket in the mud room, that is only 7 yards away. But then right when I think I have controlled it, Derek comes home and sits down and kicks his shoes off. AAAHHHH!!!! (Just making point honey, I know you hardly ever do that now.) Ursula is a woman who knows what she wants and she will do whatever it takes to get it. (Well, until Eric kills her at the end.) But that's just a miner detail.

This is a tough one, I really relate to Mad,Mad, Mad Madam Mim from Sword and the Stone, but I really like Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty. Because man she is Just COOL! She is Beautiful, graceful, and has a great smile and yet so Evil!!! Sure, she's got green skin but she makes it look good. (I'm thinking Botox injections!) And Man, that long Black leather dress, robe, and a hood to try and hide her horns, She makes that layered/gothic look, look pretty good. (Dad, I threw the black leather dress in their for you.) Maleficent is one clever gal. When she does not get invited to the most happening party of the 12th hundred century, she is pretty upset, but she takes it in stride. And gave the baby a little token, curse, whatever you want to call it even though she was snubbed. WooHoo! She takes it to a whole new level when she turns into a dragon. Not alot of woman can pull it off. We might act like it for one week out of the month, but to actually turn into a vicious dragon. My hat is off to her! But then she dies too. Again a miner detail.

So who are you?

Friday, January 22, 2010

Karate Kid meets I love Lucy

Good Grief Charlie Brown!!! Why can't I just shut up?!! (((Shaking my head))) Oh...the holes I dig for myself. But there it is...Taboo & all. I am not pulling punches. This is a recent dialogue that involves 2 others & myself. SO here is how the Karate Kid met I love Lucy:

Facebook Postings get a little out of hand.

Mark posts: "Man who catch fly with chopsticks accomplish anything".

Ande: Super duper LIKE!

Myself: ...or he is very hungry or lacks anything else to do with his life. There was a reason Mr.Miagi (spel?) lived alone.

Ande: Mark, you need to talk to Derek about the lack of Karate Kid respect in his house!
(Side Note: Ande means Derek, my Hubby...My Ricky...My Goodlookin')

Myself: LOL! Hey Derek sang me "Glory of Love" on a road trip when we dated. I should be showing more "respect". It swept me off my feet. A close second was "the Pirate song". In my defense, I have 4 sons and they like to watch those movies more then I care to say. So please don't tell Derek. He might spank me. On the other hand.. I'll tell Derek./;)
(Another side note I know... I know!!! What the heck was I thinking)

Mark: WOW.......Jennifer I don't know what to say about the "spankin" go girl!! I didn't know Derek had it in him!! LOL.......

Ande: Ahhh..."Glory of Love", takes me back to when Duke would dedicate that to me on the radio. (Try explaining THAT dating ritual to your kids!) But Jennifer, I SOOO get the fake Karate Kid action all over the house when the kids watch the movies!

Myself: Note to Self: Shut the laptop & put it away, once you swallow ambien. Also never have laptop open after you take ambien & hubby is in Portland & you miss him terribly.(((((sheepish sigh....)))))

Myself: You know between the three of us, I think we could do quite a audible dialogue comedy. It would be sure fire hit! At least we could count on the pligs being a sure Fan base for us. ....You know two guy...They have BIG LOVE!

Mark: OH MY....I think I am blushing.....NOT!! dare I say "threesome?" ON AN AUDIBLE DIALOGUE !!!!!!

Myself: I think when Derek gets home (in 1hour 37 minutes) I am going to tell him that there is a good chance I may have Turret Typing Syndrome. ((((Earth shattering silence))))
"Hey is this hole I'm digging getting bigger or I am shrinking?" Never mind...don't answer.

Mark: Just tell Derek you are involved in a threesome with Ande and Mark....LOL.....

Myself: Derek is on the phone with me right now saying,"Lucy you have some splainin' to do!!" OH CRAP! This can't be as bad as when I put a Pool in our living room. (water & all) I don't know why he shakes his head & still loves me. I think it is one of two things: He could just have a bad judgement in asking me to marry him. OR.. By marrying me, It was God saying, "Son, if you take this one, You get a "Get into Heaven Free Card".

The End (well kind of)

I am not going to post the last thing Mark said. It would get me in heap load of trouble with Goodlookin. And Goodlookin is still trying to figure out how many times he has to pull up the carpet by the jetted tub that I let overflow for about a maybe 45 minutes. But that's a whole new story. Goodlookin is also not done putting the final touches on our ceiling in our Dining Room. ( I kind of fell through the ceiling. It was a very innocent mistake it could have happened to anybody.) And a whole other story. But we won't get into that now.

How do I get myself into these situations?...I just don't know. The good news: I have one hour to shower and look as good as I can before Goodlookin comes strolling home.

Are there groups I should be attending, "Hello...My name is Jennifer and both my feet are stuck with super glue in my mouth. "

Please wish me luck and pray for Goodlookin.

Monday, October 26, 2009

"Can someone give me a Marriage?"

ELNA BAKER, She is so funny! Below I put the address to listen to her life in New York. It's about Love, Sex & Being a Single Adult Mormon. This is so funny and true! I love that her name is Elna & my name is Elda. I feel we have a connection. In my "Swinging" *cough* Single days, I had the experience of falling in love with someone who was not Mormon and..Well...I am. So when I saw this I thought of my old boyfriend, Larry.
So Larry, if you ever read this, Please don't say that not having Sex wasn't the reason we broke up. I know it was probably because I was a Needy Chic. And that whole "Crazy Lady" thing, probably had a wee bit to do with it too, but I choose denial. It just works for me! So go with me on this one for old time sake, okay?

Anyways, Elna talks about going to a Young Single Mormon Halloween Costume Dance. I went to a few of those. Thankfully, I got my wits about me and hopped into my car, "Wheeza". I moved away from California and headed off to a little town called, Ivins. It is just outside of St. George, Utah. I was bent on focusing on School and then going on a Mission. To make sure this would happen (and I would not up getting married at 18 or 19) I attended my older Brother's family ward. NO SINGLE ADULT WARDS FOR ME, thank-you very much! I'll check back in when I am 24.

Yes I had this "plan" all laid out. Just then I met the Bishop of the ward I was attending. He was just as sweet as could be. We talked for a bit and he smiled and said, "I have son who would probably love to meet you." I smiled and said, "How tall is he?" What kind of question is that? Well, when you are 5'-9" and you own some dang nice High Heels, you have to think about those things. My legs looked great in Heels and I was not about to give that up for anybody!! But gosh darn it, Goodlookin' and I met because his sister, Wendy became my friend and I just thought I would get it over with. Goodlookin' has these steely icy blue eyes and he disarmed me with his laid back charm. He was half cowboy and half white collar worker. It was like some angel dropped him from heaven, just for me. Unfortunately on the impact of the fall, Goodlookin is only 5'-7&1/2" (I can't forget that half.) You know things seem to compound on landing. It all ended up OK. I wore slippers to my reception in Utah & white flipflops to my reception in California (my hometown) My Sister in law lucked out and inherited some really nice High Heels & Black Cowgirl Boots! She was pregnant, so it made me feel a little bit better that she would be uncomfortable in those heels for the next few months. (I know...I am horrible!) I got over the height thing. As the lady I lived with, at the time, said to me, "Jennifer, when your laying down, your all the same height anyways!" She was not one to mix words.

(I bet all the men mention above are just beyond thrilled beyond words,that I mentioned them in a blog that might talk about "Girl Stuff")

I can't get this to work so Copy and Paste this address. You will laugh until you cry!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Name Please? & I think it's time to beat the kids

"Name Please?"

GoodLookin'(my hubby): "I hope you like being my wife." followed by a sweet kiss. (I love scruff on a man!)

Me: "Baby, for 15 years 'Mrs. Derek Keller' has been my favorite name."

Goodlookin': *he softly laughs and kisses me on my ear lobe,where he knows I become his captive*. "I'm glad" he whispers softly in my ear.

Me: My neck tilts as he is moving down to my neck. "Well, when your name is Frances Elda Jennifer, it just isn't that hard to beat!"

Goodlookin: "Thanks!" he laughs with slight sarcasm in his voice.

Luckily, Goodlookin' knows me well enough to know that a romantic moment can some times turn into a Comedy Romance. He loves it! I think....well...I am pretty sure.... Maybe I should go ask him....

P.S. I am proud of my name not many women can say that they are named after two grandmothers and three great grandmothers. I also will answer to: "Dear Frannie,...." I would love to answer any of your life concerns as long as your willing to let me mix up my answer with a dollop of funny! Funny is like chocolate. It belongs everywhere!

"I think it's time to beat the kids"

Goodlookin and I hear the commotion from downstairs. There is the smell of freshly baked brownies that our daughter whipped up. We know this must be a fight with our four sons, over the brownies cooling off before they are cut & gobbled up.

Goodlookin': "I think it's time to beat the kids"

Me: "Golly! That's a shame. They weren't even do for their next one, for another twenty minutes."

Goodlookin' & I are not to much of spankers. Sometimes Goodlookin' will joke with them and tell them he is going to give them a whoopin'. After five years of hearing this Jaxon asked me last spring, "Mom...What's a 'whoopin'?"

One our favorite movies is Bill Cosby himself. You will laugh until you almost pee your pants! Our kids love it too. It is funny when someone will just start singing, (In our jam packed kia sedona) "Dad is great....Gives us the Chocolate Cake."

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Mom has Bed Head!

The above is a picture of my sister in love. (I don't say law) She is gorgeous....Thus she is only one who who has the guts to put a picture of her hair like this on our family webpage. It's too late to call her. But her is what I would say, "Lou, can I use that picture of you for my Blog. I don't want any copyrighting issues with the ones on the internet." She would say yes. Then I would say thanks. So I am skipping that whole part. I will email her and say, "Look Lou! You made the front page of my new Blog!" .....I will do follow up on how that goes if she doesn't leave a comment.

Anyways, This morning Ryan came in to my room crawled onto the bed and he was looking at me funny. He kept tipping his head this way and that way. Ryan finally managed to say, "Mom...They have this stuff on TV called, 'Smooth Away'. It will help your hair be smooth and down.....and not poking up all over." I laughed and told him, "Your right Ryan. I should get some of that." Apparently these products that tell us "Memory Hold" is not such a good thing. What ever I am using has a very bad Memory of Einstein! gotta love them

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

"Why is my Bra in my Purse?"

Something I never thought I would say to myself. "Why is my Bra in my Purse?" Yeah... I didn't see that one coming either. Maybe some of my friends & family are not shocked by me having a moment like that. I find that sad...but funny!

I was no Party Girl in High School or Young Adult. I believe in sex after marriage. So I never had a "wild night" or "one night stand". But as I was getting ready to go the grocery store, I was feeling around in my purse for my keys and I kept feeling wire. Wire under cloth. I pull it out and I was very shocked to find my bra folded in my purse. The worst part, I couldn't remember why. I was like, "What the...?" Slowly as I am standing with my purse in one hand and my bra in the other, I kind of wiggled to make sure the "girls" were in one. Because somtimes I am not thinking about what I am doing at the time. As a Mom sometimes you find yourself thinking about things you Need to do. For example: while I was dressing in a rush this morning...I wasn't thinking, "OK, now I am putting on my Bra. Check. Done." Nope that doesn't happen in my scary world (Which is my brain or whats left of it.) I was thinking, " We need bread, Milk, ground beef. hmmm...Taco soup sounds good. I haven't thought about costumes for the kids. I need to get on that. I think five pumpkins is enough. Where did October go?" That was running through my head. So when that Bra popped up. "I thought I had just had a very odd "senior moment".
But then it all came back to me. Saturday Morning Derek and I were at the ER (again) And they wanted an Xray. I was doped up. (We also have found out the hard way, I sure am an awnry druggie!) I was so fed up with being sick, missing a family get together, and so many IV pokes that by the time I left the ER, I was done! I threw my sweater back on and threw my Bra in my purse. Derek did not say anything to me. Because I am not very nice when I am doing morphine. I get all "GRRRR!!" What man in his right mind would say to his wife of 15 years, "Umm...babe...are you sure you don't want to put your bra on?" I don't know alot of those guys. Anyways. That's how the Bra got in the purse. Just thought I'd share.

The ER and I...were going to break up! These dates are going nowhere and I always have to buy! (and I tell you tongue dispencers don't come cheap.) There is give and take. Howeve it's usually them taking my blood and me giving too many nurses one more try to see if she can find a vein that won't blow out. So don't expect anymore News on how that's going. Were done. That whole bra thing was the last straw! I feel used and I don't remember most of it. I am moving on! I can do better.